Implement: Pencil (eraser end first).The Victim: A nameless thug.
The Scene: The Joker (Heath Ledger) is spelling out his plan to the Gotham City gangsters-that-be. He convinces them to listen by showing off his "pencil trick", in which he makes one disappear by slamming a man's eye socket into it. This occurs in a PG-13 rated movie, which makes it even more awesome.
Pain: Little. The kill is lightning-fast.
Creativity: Maximum. The Joker knows how to work a room.
2. Pesci Literally Signs a Man's Death Warrant--Casino
Implement: Pen.The Victim: Some douchebag who mouthed off to the wrong guy.
The Scene: Years ago, back home, Sam "Ace" Rothstein (Robert DeNiro) and Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci) are having a pleasant drink at the bar of a swanky club. DeNiro notices that the unnamed douchebag/future ersatz pen holder has left his pen out where it could get damaged or stolen, so he tries to hand it back to the guy, who proceeds to tell him to stick the pen up his ass. Before anybody can react, Pesci grabs the pen and stabs the guy in the neck with it multiple times. To add insult to injury, when the man is on the ground whimpering in pain and shock (and bleeding to death), Pesci mocks him for being a "little girl".
Pain: High. This looks nearly as painful as it must have felt. Who wouldn't be turned into a little girl by this assault?
Creativity: Low. Santoro has balls, but it doesn't take a creative genius to viciously pen a guy in the neck.
3. John Cusack Ruins His High-School Reunion--Grosse Pointe Blank
Implement: Promotional pen.The Victim: Felix La PuBelle, assassin, afficionado of pornography, and asshole.
The Scene: While attending his high-school reunion, professional hitman Martin Blank (John Cusack) takes a break to go visit his old locker, where he finds an old joint and an assassin waiting for him. After a brief kickboxing battle, Blank breaks a grapple by taking the pen a sleazy lawyer had given him earlier, flicking the cap off and jamming it into La PuBelle's neck, killing him bloodily. Shortly after, his date comes looking for him and is quite put out.
Pain: Medium to High. It lacks the viciousness of Pesci's pen-shanking, but I can't imagine that it feels particularly great.
Creativity: Medium. Pen-stabbing is not the most stylish way to kill a man, but it was a clever and timely improvisation.
4. Tom Savini's Wood Is Lethal--From Dusk Till Dawn
Implement: Pencil.The Victim: A nameless vampire.
The Scene: After slaughtering dozens of vampires at a sleazy Mexican biker bar (after the vamps slaughtered dozens of customers), one of them is still not dead, and comes at Frost (Fred Williamson). The Vietnam War vet pulls a kung-fu move and rips the creature's black, pulsating heart out. Unfortunately, it keeps beating. Sex Machine (Tom Savini), thinking fast, takes a pencil from a waitress's serving platter and stabs the wood into the organ, killing the vamp for good.
Pain: Do vampires even feel pain as we understand it? Unknown. Still, the death is quick.
Creativity: High. Everybody else was freaking out, but Savini had the presence of mind to take care of business. Bravo.
5. If There Is Something Phallic at Hand, Bond Will Kill You with It--Never Say Never Again
Implement: Q-Branch standard issue explosive projectile pen.The Victim: Fatima Blush, sadistic, laughing femme fatale.
The Scene: James Bond (Sean Connery) is in a tight spot. His psychotic villainess lover has got him dead to rights, and if that isn't bad enough, she wants him to sign a statement to the fact that her pussy is the greatest he'd ever spelunked or she'll blow his balls off. Wow, what a ridiculously appropriate time to use that explosive pen that Q gave him. Bond shoots Fatima, whose response is simply to laugh at him, until the projectile starts flaring like a firework and blows her to smithereens, including, unfortunately, that premium vagina.
Pain: Low, apparently. She finds the whole thing hilarious before exploding.
Creativity: Low. Fatima gave Bond this one on a silver platter, practically drawing a connect-the-dots picture for him.
2 comments:
Nice job finding 5+ writing implements used for murder...all excellent bits of film, too.
STUCK features an awesome and brutal death by pencil, but I hadn't seen it at the time of this posting. Sequel? Perhaps, some day.
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